Four Parenting Styles

But Only One Works

Where do parents learn their parenting styles? Some parents don't really think about what kind of style they want to adopt. They unwittingly follow the parenting style of their own parents. Others make a conscious effort to do their best. They may even adopt a parenting philosophy that is in direct contrast to that used by their own parents, especially if they had had bad experiences in childhood.

The bad news is that if we were to use our commonsense alone, we may not necessarily come up with the right parenting approach. Many parents have adopted parenting styles that seem to cater to their children's temperaments. However, they may not necessarily be the right one.

There are three temperaments. The three temperaments are easy, difficult and slow-to-warm-up. Click this link if you would like to know more about child temperament.

So how does a child affect her parents' parenting style?

A parent who is permissive may have become so because of her inability to handle a difficult child. She may have given up in exasperation and felt that to have peace in the house, it is better to just give in to the child.

In another family, a father may have become authoritarian because there seems to be no other way of making his child compliant. Yelling and spanking appear to work well because his child will obey him out of fear, at least when Dad is in sight.

The good news is that parenting is more of a science than an art. There is a right parenting approach as discovered by psychologists. If you were to apply the proper parenting style conscientiously, you will certainly notice a huge improvement as the years go by. Of course, miracles won't happen in a day or two. Consistency is the key to parenting nirvana.

The Four Features of Parenting

• Nurturance: How warm or nurturant is the parent towards her child.
• Control: How much effort does the parent put in, through rewards and punishments, to control her child.
• Communication: How well does the parent communicate with her child.
• Maturity demands: How much does the parent expect her child to act in an age-appropriate manner.

Out of these 4 features are born the 4 parenting styles.

The Four Parenting Styles

Authoritarian parents: T-Rex parenting

If the infamous personages, Hitler and Saddam Hussein, flashed in your mind, you are partially right. However, unlike Saddam Hussein, these misguided parents mean well. Absolute obedience with little affection are the hallmarks of authoritarian parents. Here's how they score on each feature:

• Nurturance: Parents are not warm or emotionally supportive of their children. The love their children receive is based on how well behaved they are.
• Control: Parents control every aspect of their children's lives. Children are expected to know the "law" and any infringement is met with swift harsh punishment.
• Communication: Parents don't talk much with their children. Furthermore, children are too afraid to approach their parents when they need a shoulder to cry on or to solve their problems for them.
• Maturity demands: Authoritarian parents expect their children to act in a mature way as befitting their age.

Permissive-indulgent or democratic-indulgent parents:
Every-day-is-Christmas parenting

There are two kinds of permissive parents: the permissive-indulgent and the permissive-disengaged. Children seem to be getting what they want with permissive parenting but it is not good for them in the long run. Here are the characteristics of permissive-indulgent parenting.

• Nurturance: Parents show warmth and unconditional love.
• Control: There is very little control and children usually get away with misbehavior. Parents also suffer from Santa Claus Syndrome - they buy too many toys and gadgets for their kids.
• Communication: Children are not afraid to communicate with their permissive parents. Parents do communicate well with their kids when everything is going well.
• Maturity demands: These parents don't expect too much from their kids. They hold on to the misguided assumption that children will eventually grow up to become responsible adults.

Permissive-disengaged or rejecting-neglecting parents:
Don't-bother-me parenting

These parents are neglectful of their children. They treat their kids almost like unwanted puppies in the house, providing the basic amenities but offering no love or emotional nourishment that their children so sorely need.

• Nurturance: Parents are cold. There is little attachment between children and parents.
• Control: These parents allow their children to do almost anything but not because they are indulgent. It is more as if they don't care.
• Communication: There is little communication. Heart-to-heart talks between parents and children are rare.
• Maturity demands: Permissive-disengaged parents don't make any maturity demands on their children. Children are left to learn their values from others if they learn any at all.

Authoritative parents: Made-in-heaven parenting

• Nurturance: Parents are warm and loving. They demonstrate their love to their children in many ways. And most importantly, their kids know that their parents love them.
• Control: Authoritative parents set limits. They punish and reward, but very fairly. Rules and punishments are never arbitrary or harsh. And it is done in a democratic style as children are sometimes involved in creating rules.
• Communication: Parents and children communicate very well with each other. There is love and understanding in their communication. Authoritative parents listen with empathy to their children's requests and questions.
• Maturity demands: Authoritative parents do expect their children to be mature and responsible. However, as they provide strong emotional support to their children and are good role models for them, their children do not become defiant. Instead, these well-adjusted kids are only too happy to behave in a mature way.

We are dedicated to showing you how to become an authoritative parent.

The Consequences of
Each Parenting Style

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