Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Practical Parenting Tips

Self-esteem is how a person feels about herself, her self-worth. It is vital for your child's happiness and success. If a child has it, she knows that she is valued and and has confidence in her abilities.

Highly successful people have it: astronauts, fighter pilots, presidents and CEOs are some examples. These people struggle hard to succeed and can bounce back from hard times because they know that they are in control of their destiny.

But there is a dark side to this. You don't have to be a saint like Mother Theresa or Gandhi to have high self-esteem. Ironically, even murderers, kidnappers and terrorists can have it.

Criminals may be morally misguided but they have powerful self-belief. They are confident that they can succeed in any endeavor. A belief in oneself is certainly a vital factor in robbing a bank, isn't it? That doesn't mean we approve of criminal activities, of course.

Self-esteem grows from within. And you can cultivate it in your child. Read on!

The Self-Esteem Pyramid

Those components that you have direct influence over are the bottom three. We shall show you how in this article. The component at the top, peer influence, is discussed in our other parenting articles.

1st Level: Unconditional Positive Regard

Don't base your love on your child's accomplishments or behavior. That is easier said than done if you have a total brat or slacker. But don't worry - we are here to help you help them.

That doesn't mean that you should let your child get away with being naughty or lazy. Please read our other parenting articles on discipline and setting limits.

2nd Level: Real Accomplishments

To feel a sense of accomplishment, a child should have solved a problem that was challenging to her. We are not asking you to force your kids to solve nuclear physics problems, of course. But think what it would do to a child's esteem if she took on a difficult task (for her) and solved it.

To help your children strengthen their self-esteem, you could give them slightly difficult tasks to do every day. The task should not be too difficult or she would give up after a while in frustration. So don't ask your child to play the violin like Vanessa Mae when she is only 8 years old. It would in fact damage her self-esteem in the long run when she realizes that it is an incredibly difficult goal to accomplish.

The task should not be too easy either. A teenager who reads a story book meant for preschoolers would not get a huge boost of self-esteem after reading it. Struggle is very important in building a child's self-esteem. A child who constantly struggles and succeeds will know that in order to succeed in life she has to persevere. She knows that hard work is the secret to success no matter how difficult the challenge may appear to be.

Different children have different abilities - so while one ten-year-old may find a certain problem sum frustratingly difficult, another may find it extremely easy. So you have to know your children's strengths and weaknesses and give them tasks that are slightly above their current ability.

Don't worry if your child is behind her peers in certain subjects. There is a way to make her regain her self-esteem and also catch up with her peers. Begin coaching your child at home by starting at a lower grade and slowly moving up as she masters each level. Your one-on-one coaching will make her learn faster because you will be able to assess her weaknesses and provide her the drills that she needs to succeed.

3rd Level: Parental Feedback

Praise is Counter-Productive

Let's say that your son can play the piano like Mozart. If you were to praise him by calling him a child prodigy, he may come to believe that he is a natural-born pianist. That is counter-productive because he will attribute his success to his talents rather than his hard work.

When his piano teacher gives him a challenging music score to practice another day and he finds it too difficult to master, he will give up in frustration. Worse, he will feel that he is not a genius after all. He will not want anyone to discover his embarrassing secret. To protect his secret, he won't try anything challenging after that. He will fear failure.

This is what happens to a large number of child prodigies. They grow up thinking that they are geniuses because everyone calls them so. However, when they begin to feel the pressures of the challenging adult world, they give up easily. In fact, many of them live in obscurity in their adulthood. Imagine the huge blow to their self-esteem when they "realize" that they are not geniuses after all.

So don't label your child a genius or gifted.

Another "don't" - if your child is not succeeding at something, don't tell her how terrific she is. She knows that she isn't. Your praise will mean nothing to her. And she will not trust your feedback in the future.

A last "don't" for you. Don't praise your child for the outcome. For example, let's say your son practiced day and night for a piano competition. When he wins on the day of the competition, don't tell him, "Wow! You won! I am so proud of you!"

So what do we say to our kids to boost their self-esteem? Let's look at that next.

Encourage Your Child

The truth about self-esteem is that it comes through struggle. Knowing that, the next time your child works hard and accomplishes something difficult, you could encourage her by focusing on her struggle or effort.

Instead of praising your child on the results:

• "You won the swimming competition. You are a gifted swimmer!"
• "You got an A for math! I knew you were a math whiz!"
• "You solved that puzzle! You are a genius!"

You could encourage her by focusing on her effort:

• "You have been practicing for six long months for the swimming competition!"
• "You have been putting so much effort into math!"
• "You never gave up. You spent 2 solid hours on that killer puzzle! I love your determination!"

When parents focus on the efforts of their children, their children will recognize their real accomplishments. Their children will realize that it is their effort that makes them succeed. They will learn a valuable life lesson - that anyone can achieve whatever they want as long as they work hard for it.

They will not be disappointed by failures. They will know that failures are just temporary setbacks and learning opportunities.

These are the children who will not be intimidated by the pressures of adulthood. These are the children with the highest self-esteem.

This is the End of This Article.

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