Setting Limits

A Positive Parenting Guide for Distressed Parents

Setting limits is not difficult at all if you know the right way of doing it. There are three ways to set limits: using natural consequences, logical consequences and routines.

This parenting article will show you how to set limits so that your children will listen. It will also soothe your sore throat and help you regain your sanity.

Setting Limits Using Natural Consequences

An Example of a Natural Consequence

Nothing. I repeat: nothing! No nagging or reminding in advance. If you were to do that, your child will never learn to think on her own. And if you nag too often, she will learn to tune you out. Even when you start using the SWAT megaphone.

You don't tell her to take an umbrella or wear a raincoat. Are you being mean? No, sometimes you should let nature do its job. When your erring child gets wet and begins to shiver, she will run back home to get her umbrella or raincoat. Even if she doesn't run back home, she will avoid getting wet in the future. Lesson learned - the painless way. Setting limits using natural consequences is simple and elegant.

The purpose of setting limits is not to punish your child but to give her an opportunity to learn from the choices she makes. So it defeats the purpose if you say, "I told you so," or "You deserve it!" You want her to become more responsible and make the right choices in the future.

In the case of natural consequences, you are not really the one who is setting limits - it is nature or the environment.

However, if you have a child who loves getting wet, instead of nagging her, you could say, "What could you do to avoid getting wet, Dear?" Then let her figure it out herself. She won't resent it either.

Setting Limits Using Logical Consequences

When natural consequences are not appropriate or may be too dangerous, you can use your second weapon in your setting-limits arsenal. Only a brute would let his child run into a burning house and learn from the excruciating third degree burns that follow. And I don't think you would want your child to learn the hard way that swimming in a crocodile-infested river is not good for her health.

Logical consequences are actions taken by parents in response to their children's behavior. Logical consequences are fair and never harsh. It is best to let your children participate in thinking up of logical consequences. They will not feel that you are being too punitive when you carry out the consequence later on.

It goes without saying that you only accept those consequences that make sense. If your smart child suggests that you give her $500 every time she loses her mobile phone, guffaw at her joke and ask her to come up with another suggestion.

An Example of a Logical Consequence

Two weeks later, Tom spends too much time on the computer and almost forgets about his homework. He rushes to finish his homework by 4 o'clock but fails to do so. At 4 o'clock, he begs on his knees to his mother to let him go to the park.

If you were Tom's mom, how would you go about setting limits?

1. Spank Tom hard and leave for the park without him.
2. Spank Tom hard and let him come along with you to the park.
3. Yell at Tom for being a lazy, good-for-nothing boy but still let him come to the park.
4. Yell at Tom and scream that he deserves to stay behind and do his homework.
5. Let Tom come along with you to the park because he promises that he will finish his homework the first thing he comes back home.
6. You are firm in enforcing your logical consequence. You don't bargain with him nor do you entertain his pleas. You calmly leave him behind when you go to the park.

In setting limits, your actions should speak louder than your words. Don't become a toothless tiger like the parent in c or a pushover like the parent in e. However, don't be an authoritarian mom like the parents in a and d. And don't ever give confusing signals to your child like the parent in b. So, the correct answer is (drum roll) f.

In setting limits the positive parenting way, it is important that you enforce the rules unless your child has a genuine reason for not obeying the rules, for example if his father had made him clean his room until 4 o'clock, or he had fallen out of the window and is comatose. However, don't shout, spank, ridicule, nag or insult your kids.

A silent parent who means business is better than one who is a raging bull. Think Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

Routines and Setting Limits Go Hand in Hand

Routines will give a sense of security to your children. Over time, they will naturally do the tasks without your having to remind them. Your children will feel that this is the way things are done in their home. There is no room for argument. It certainly beats nagging and shouting matches.

Be realistic about the amount of time it will take your child to finish a routine. For example, if it would take your child 15 minutes to prepare the table for dinner then set the routine to begin 15 minutes before dinnertime.

Nelsen, Lott and Glen in Positive Discipline A-Z recommend creating routine charts with photos of your kids doing the tasks. Your kids will love it. The book also suggests that you let your kids participate in creating the chart, sticking their photos and brainstorming the things they could do for each routine. For example, brushing their teeth, hugging their parents, putting on their pajamas, having a bedtime story read to them could be part of a bedtime routine. Of course, you could add in anything that they might have missed and put the tasks in the correct order.

Who said raising kids is tough work? Setting limits will never be the same again after you put our parenting guide into action. Try it today!

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